Friday, November 11, 2016

Funny Friday


Yes, it is, so that means it's time for some funnies.

A return to ethnic stereotyping as we look at some humour relating to different countries . . . 
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Italy:

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. 

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. 

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. 

The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."



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Scotland:

Angus, a Scotsman, applied to join the New York City police force.

The inspector glared at him and asked, ‘How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?’

‘Well,’ replied Angus thoughtfully, ‘I’m no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.’


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New Zealand:

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:

"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."


Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney. 

One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. 

The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair". 

The Kiwi says to his mate, " Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune! Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent." 

They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..." 

The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"

"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?" 

The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

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China:

Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for lunch and ask what was available for lunch.  They are told there is pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries. They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat. After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog and asks the other "So what part of the dog did you get?" 
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America:

A redneck family was visiting a big city for the first time, and they found themselves in a shopping mall. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen nuthin’like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yo Momma.”


Preparations begin at the White House:

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Corn Corner:

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.


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