Guten morgen meine Damen und Herren.
That doesn't mean that today's Funny Friday has a German theme, after all, the shortest book in the world is said to be "One Hundred Years of German Humour".
The theme for today is simply . . . humour!
So get your happy on and enjoy.
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed and shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'"
The robber quickly gave up and the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?"
The robber said "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing?" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing and says "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A chap walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.”
The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his arse, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”
At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand,
Met a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two ,
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went,
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.'"
Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
A: Take it to the doc.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.