Welcome to the first Funny Friday of 2018.
A cocktail of assorted items of humour today. Hopefully one or more of the following . . .
. . . will raise a . . .
. . . or perhaps a . . .
. . . or maybe even a . . .
These are couplets taken from the rhyme zone site where there's this competition for the most romantic first line and most unromantic second... Here are a few of the entries...
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sgar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty, you float with grace.
If only I could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything that you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face,
I wish I were in outer space.
I saw your face as you walked by,
But then I saw a better guy.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe Go to Hell."
There was a farmer who had four daughters.
One night, he heard a knock on the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said,
"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.
Pretty soon, there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,
"My name's Lance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again, the farmer thought that this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,
"My name is Chuck..."
He got no further.
A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after the funeral service for the husband of the first woman. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow."I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?"
"Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow. "I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yes, it was 3 carats!"
A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.
"I've been stung by a wasp" she says.
Where did it get you?" he replies.
"Between the first and second hole," she answered.
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms."Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
Never mind it's pointless.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance.
So she pushed me, but I couldn’t really blame her.
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.