Friday, November 2, 2018

Funny Friday



The end of the week and the end of the month, Christmas draws closer and things start to get more hectic.  So take a few minutes out, grab a coffee, read some funnies and clap along if you feel like a room without a roof (wtf does that mean anyway?) . . .


Quickies: 

There's a new Gillette razor designed for dyslexics. 
It's the best thing since sliced beard. 

I've just bought the personalised number plate BAA BAA. 
For my black jeep. 

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.” 

A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.” 

Meanwhile, at the checkout . . . 

----oOo----

Good deed done. 

This morning at the IGA checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to $103.35 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $100. I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive. 

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves. 

----oOo----

At another checkout . . . 

I was in Coles today with 2 trolleys full of shopping. An old lady stood behind me in the queue with a litre container of milk. 

"Is that all you've got, love? " I asked her. 

"Yes" the little old lady replied. 

So I did the decent thing and turned to her and said "I'd go to another checkout love, I'm gonna be ages!" 

----oOo----

I was behind an old woman in the queue in Aldi today. She was really struggling with her basket, then she dropped her purse. 

Looking at me she said, "I'm not sure I'll be able to pick it up." 

I said, "Well, you won't mind if I pop in front of you then while you try." 

The Finest of Funny Friday  . . .

Some of you may think that the items above qualify for the Corn Corner Category but, to quote the first words spoken in a talkie . . . 


Which is an appropriate segue into some truly corny humour with a film connection, some Finest Funny Friday Arnold Schwearzenegger items:


Corn Corner:

Some Arnie jokes, aka “It’s not a humour” . . . (okay, I made that one up, and I agree it’s pretty weak) 

I went into Toys R Us earlier, I said to the assistant: 
"Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?" 
He said, "Aisle B, back." 

Similar to: 
I went into a library and asked for a book on German Baroque composers. 
The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach." 

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. 
He replied, "I still love Vista, baby". 

Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger could never be president of America because he is not American. 
Well . . . We all know what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country... 

Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs. 
She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!" 
Arnie replied, "I still love Easter baby!" 

So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5. 
"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!" 

I challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a game of chess the other day. 
I said "Arnie which colour do you want to be?" 
He replied "I'll be black." 

Last night I saw a preview of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new low budget film where he goes on a rampage killing all Indian men in sight. 
It's called 'The Turbanhater' 

When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator? 

Arnold Schwarzenegger had just run the New York marathon. He was lying on his couch and his feet were killing him. 
"Is there anything I can do for you Arnie?" asked his wife. 
"Ya" replied Arnie. "Plasta ma blista baby.” 

I just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger on the train eating a sandwich that stunk the whole carriage out. 
"Fucking hell!" I said, "What have you got in there? A tuna?" 
He was adamant that it was not. 

Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"


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