Is it just me or is time passing more quickly as we approach Christmas? Or maybe things are just busier. Whichever, take a moment out with a cup of tea, coffee or whatever is your pleasure to read some funnies . . .
So apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning...
...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm, dry him off and he vil be vine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?"
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I am fucking soaked"
A lady who lived by herself came home one day and found her house was being robbed with the robber still in the house. The lady was very well versed in the Bible and shouted at the robber, “Acts 2:38!” The robber stopped dead in his tracks and sat calmly while the lady called the police.
The police arrived and proceeded to arrest the robber. The policeman noted that the robber was somewhat of a burly guy and the lady was a small, petite thing. This intrigued the policeman so much that he finally asked the robber, “Why didn’t you just run or something? She is so much smaller than you. All she did was yell a Bible verse at you.”
The robber looked up at the policeman with a look of shock. “A Bible verse? What?” The policeman says “Yeah, a Bible verse. . . ‘repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins…’ ” The robber tells the policeman… “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Finest of Funny Friday . . .
A man from the city bought himself a farm.
On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.
He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.
Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged staright at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.
A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”
”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”
“Nahh, that wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”
Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…the other's got a dodgy tikka!
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean......
Both crews were marooned.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.