The countdown to Christmas continues, the remaining Fridays lessen in number but the laughs (hopefully) continue . . .
Got pulled up by the police, the cop said "That sign clearly says ‘No u turns’, and that applies to you, mate.”
I said "Sorry, I didn't do a u turn.”
He said "I saw you do it!”
I said "No, you saw me do an n turn. I would have to be in reverse to do a u turn.”
Went round to see my mate "Eternal Flame” Steve last night.
We call him that because he has agoraphobia and never goes out .
My wife left me, leaving me a note:
“I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted.”
Well, I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic.
And I can’t help having big toes.
To the person who came up with the concept of zero.
Thanks for nothing.
I went to the doctor’s today and he said I was paranoid...
...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking!
Some longer ones:
A different version of an old Sherlock Holmes/Dr Watson joke:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
And whilst on the topic of the Lone Ranger and Tonto . . .
The Lone Ranger happens upon Tonto with his ear pressed to the ground.
"Wagon train, ten maybe twelve horses" says Tonto.
"Come from east / south east, heading west.”
The Lone Range joins Tonto on the ground to listen for himself.
Tonto continues - "One rider has red shirt and blue bandana..."
The Lone Ranger asks "How in the heck do you know that?"
"Run over me ten minutes ago," says Tonto.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie.
Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
The first two are friom Leo. Thanks, Leo . . .
When old age caught right up close to me
(Diddla ah dah dah dah dah da dum)
That's when I got the aches all over me
(Diddla ah dah dah dah dah da dum)
Shingles down my backbone.
Sciatica in my knee bone.
Fractures down my thigh bone.
Achin' all over.
I’ve got my first kick boxing class tonight.
Hopefully I’ll be able to quit boxing for good this time.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
A noble aristocrat was captured during the French Revolution. The captors said “Tell us the names of the people you are hiding!” “I won’t say a word” says the aristocrat. They place his head in the guillotine. “Talk to me or die!” “I will not!” he replies. They then draw the blade to the top of the guillotine. “Last chance to talk!” “Never!” cries the Count. Then, just as they release the blade, the Count screams “Wait! Wait! I’ll talk!.” But alas, it was too late.
Moral of the story: Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken.”