Friday, January 1, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today (at least in Oz) it is a new day, new month, new year and new decade. That comment about the decade is the same argument as in 2000 when the debate was whether the new millennium began on January 1, 2000 or January 1, 2001. We all went ga ga celebrating it in 2000 when technically it began in 2001 – one begins counting with 1, not zero, and therefore the new decade begins today as well. Okay, I am a pedant so, rather than taking any more joy out of it, here is some humour to see in the new year. . .  and decade. 

Stay safe and well for this coming year, readers. 

Happy new year or, if one wishes to be pedantic, may your brain release endorphins because the earth just completed another orbit cycle around the sun 

Oh. . . some risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year... 

not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves. 

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A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.” 

“Honest?” the woman asks. 

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied. 

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Turns out my grandfather was an electrician during World War II 

In his attic I found a helmet with two lightning bolts on it. 

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I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. 

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. 

And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist. 

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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? 

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush! 

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Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas 

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything. 

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 

When she asked me why, I replied, 

"You still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 

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Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama? 

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter... 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." 

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." 

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. 

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" 

"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. 

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." 

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" 

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?" 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

I’m grateful the year’s end is nigh. 
Good riddance — no need to say why. 
Though the reasons are endless, 
A whiner is friendless; 
I’ll just bid it an effing goodbye! 

- Madeleine Begun Kane 

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GALLERY: 






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CORN CORNER: 

I don’t know how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals 

I M LIVID 

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My New Year's Resolution was losing 9kg 

15 more to go! 

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I got kicked in the testicles at midnight on New Year’s Eve. 

I started the year off on the highest note possible. 

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Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend 

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night. 

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm. 

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My New Year's resolution is not to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow. 

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