Friday, October 22, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY


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As we emerge from lockdown, my office has reopened . Office members have all been working remotely from home and, to be honest, I have become used to it and will miss it. It illustrates that we can get used to do anything if we do it long enough and that people are resistant to change as a matter of the human condition.

One thing that doesn't change is that it's Friday and time for some funnies . . . 

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SOME HUMOUR:

The old saying goes "You give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Tach him to fish, he eats for his lifetime."

But. . .

Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
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I was getting home very late after drinking with friends...

When I was close to home I turned off my headlights, put the car in neutral and coasted up to the house. I closed the car door very quietly, took off my shoes and closed the front door very quietly. Carrying my shoes I tip toed up the stairs and into the bedroom. At this point my wife rolled over and shouted, "where the hell have you been till 4 in the morning?"

My friend later told me I had taken a poor approach. Do this instead: When nearing your house turn the headlights to bright. Gun the engine and roar up to the house. After you squeel to a stop and get out, slam the car door. Slam the door to your house and tromp up the stairs singing "I'm in the mood for love".

I guarantee, she'll pretend to be asleep.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to phish and he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.
Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.
Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.
Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.
Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.
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Noticed something very odd when reading the obituaries yesterday…

everyone is dying in alphabetical order!
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Last night I went on a blind date with an attractive woman

It started off great, with easy small talk at the restaurant. She asked about my job. I told her entrepreneur. She asked what I liked most about my job. I replied, 'freedom.' We started to get in that comfortable groove.

"My daddy always told me, " she said, with a far away look and wistful grin. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and it'll take ten times the effort to beat his will into submission."

"Um, what's your job again?"

"Director of Human Resources," she replied.

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A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him.

They return to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins... nothing... The vendor has a good memory.

"What now?" he asks, a bit annoyed at the repeat activity.

She looks at the man, holding his gaze and carefully says "I. Wanna. Get. WEIGHED."

He ends the date right there and storms off.

Dejected, the girl goes home to her roommate, who asks, "How was your date?"

She throws the stuffed animal to the ground and says, "Wousy!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

One of mine . . . 

Jim had a peculiar fixation -
Totally against vaccination.
He knew better, this chap,
Thought Covid all crap.
This Friday they hold his cremation.

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GALLERY:




From Rosie . .  


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CORN CORNER:

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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What’s the difference between a roast chicken and a pea soup?

Everybody can roast a chicken.
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If you've seen one large collection of stores and restaurants...

...you've seen the mall
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How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

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