Some computer glitches have meant that some of the Bytes posts have either bot gone out at all or have been posted on the blog itself but not been emailed to subscribers.
Please check the actual blog at www.bytesdaily.blogspot.com for a catch up if you have been affected.
I also note that the blog provider (which determines when the new posts are sent) is sending them out in the evening, rather than in the mornings. Nothing I can do about that, readers, but better late than never.
Enjoy today's funnies, readers, keep smiling and stay safe and well.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says: "Ya know, I'd herd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."
"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I had sex with a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.
The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to have sex with a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender - but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"
The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"
The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?"
The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"
“Sensei, I’ve been training for years, and I’m not getting any stronger. What’s going on?”
“Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?”
“Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?”
“Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?”
“That’s the problem. You keep watching stupid shit instead of practising!”
From Bytes, October 27, 2017:
Last week at trivia, one of the questions was “Where was the last oil fire put out by the famed Red Adair?”
Locals may recall that in 1968 Red Adair extinguished an oil well fire in Bass Strait (for those wondering where that is, it is the body of water that separates Tasmania from Australia (yes, I know that Tasmania is part of Australia but it pisses off the Tasmanians to hear that and my brother lives there).
Red died in 2004 aged 89. In his more than 50 years as a firefighter he extinguished nearly 3000 oil well fires. Among them were 119 fires in Kuwaiti oil fields at the end of the 1991 Gulf War, the infamous "Devil's Cigarette Lighter" in Algeria in 1962 whose 240-metre flames were seen from space by astronaut John Glenn, the 1979 blowout of Mexico's Ixtoc-1 well in the Bay of Campeche and the 1988 Piper Alpha platform disaster in the North Sea that killed 167 men. John Wayne's 1968 flick Hellfighters is loosely based on Red Adair.
Red Adair, 1991
The trivia question prompted recollections of some Red Adair jokes, one from rival team member John and one from me. They are set out below.
By the way, the answer to the trivia question was: Kuwait.
John’s joke. . .
Firefighter Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said: "I've been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year."
"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.
"Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."
"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," Red said, looking at the ceiling.
"Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called Polly Darton."
"It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.
The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a change of topic:
"Haven't I seen you on TV? You're quite famous, aren't you?"
This made old Red cheer up:
"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.
"Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"
My Red Adair joke . . .
When Saddam Hussein set the Kuwaiti oil wells on fire when facing defeat in the Iraq war, the Kuwaiti oil sheiks sought to recruit legendary Texas firefighter Red Adair to put out the fires.
When Red was first approached by a representative for the sheiks he replied that he was too busy, that he had more work than he could handle as it was but that his Irish cousin, Green Adair, might be able to deal with it.
The sheik telephoned Green and asked “Hello, is that Green Adair ….. ?”
“Yess, sorr, dat’s roight, 'tis me, Green Adair, at yer service …” said the voice at the end of the line.
“Mr Adair, that terrible man Saddam Hussein has set fire to our oil wells. Can you come and help us?”
The Irishman thought for a second and replied “Oh, I don’t know sorr, we’re awful busy at der moment . . .”
“We will pay you ten million pounds per oil well, Mr Adair” responded the sheik.
“Me an’ de lads‘ll be over in der mornin’ sorr …..” replied Green.
The next day at first light, a military jumbo circled the raging fires and then proceeded to land a short distance from the largest blaze. The cargo doors opened and a battered dark blue truck came hurtling down the ramp and sped right into the middle of the flaming inferno. As it came to a halt all of the doors opened and twenty Irish navvies in jackets and boots jumped out and started to furiously stamp up and down on the flames and beat the flames with their jackets.
Eventually the fire was extinguished. With BBC cameras filming and people patting Green on the back, Green was approached by the sheik who said to him “That was magnificent, remarkable. Tell me what you want and it is yours, ask anything.”
“Well.” replied Green, “der first ting, we’ll get der brakes on dat fockin’ trock fixed.”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Archimedes, that well-known truth-seeker,
Jumped out of his bath with “Eureka!”
He ran half a mile
Wearing only a smile
And became the very first streaker.
From a Readers Digest site at:
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”
What flows through Ukraine and doesn't care about your feelings?
"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."
Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."
"Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
At a job interview: "Can you perform under pressure?"
"No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!"
I had so many pimples as a kid, that one day I fell asleep in the library and when I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.