Friday, February 18, 2022

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Something different for today’s Funny Friday, an updated item from a past Bytes

Set the Wayback Machine to 2013 Sherman . . .

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From the vault:
Friday, April 12, 2013

The item below is about puns.

But did not Lewis Carroll have a low opinion on puns?
“The Good and Great must ever shun
That reckless and abandoned one
Who stoops to perpetrate a pun.”

And remember the scene in Master and Commander when Captain Jack Aubrey wagers the ship’s surgeon as to which of two weevils will make it the side of the plate first. The surgeon chooses the larger and loses, causing the Captain to say “Do you not know that in the service one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?” The surgeon replies ”He who would pun would pick a pocket.”

All true, but the main attribute of a pun is the groans which follow it. Puns are meant to be groaned at.

Here is a collection of dreadful puns sent to me by Byter Sue, followed by one sent by Byter Leo.

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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged for ...
"Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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Leo’s pun:

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine. One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint. Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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Update:

Some more puns below.

Before entering into arguments as to whether they are jokes or puns, here is the definition of a pun:
A pun is a play on words that produces a humorous effect by using a word that suggests two or more meanings, or by exploiting similar sounding words that have different meanings. Humorous effects created by puns depend upon the ambiguities the words entail. These ambiguities arise mostly in homophones and homonyms. Note that there are no LBGTQnims.
Some of the following have been in Funny Friday over the years but don’t lose anything by being read again . . .

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which is the world’s richest country?
Ireland, it’s capital is always Dublin.

What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves

My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is starting to improve

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.
I’m not really a mourning person

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how I'm feeling about that

Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak

I'm a proud member of PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals!

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My last 3 contributions, which hopefully will atone for the above groaners but, caution, risqué content . . .
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What’s the difference between a magician’s magic wand and a police officer’s truncheon?

A magician’s magic wand is used for cunning stunts.
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The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The Pope said, "OK."

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."
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A man received a notice from the tax office that he was being audited.

He asked his accountant what he should wear to the meeting with the tax office representative. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."

The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said “No. No. Show them you're a successful professional. Wear your best suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for advice.

"Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said.

"Last week I was to marry a young woman. She came to me and asked what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother had told her 'Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. Make him realise how virtuous you are.' But her best friend said, 'Wear a sexy negligee.' My son, I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to her: ‘It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked.’ “

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