Friday, March 18, 2022

FUNNY FRIDAY



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SOME HUMOUR:

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: "Huh. that's a weird dream. Well, I had one of my own few days as well."

Putin: "Go on..."

Biden: "I saw Moscow - brilliant again. Full of dancing, laughter, people driving fancy imported cars again. Wearing latest fashion designer's clothes. Very European, very International - just like it was before the sanctions. And neon signs and slogans everywhere! They were too bright to ignore!"

Putin: "What did they say, those neon signs?"

Biden: "Who the fuck knows, I don't speak Ukrainian."

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."                                                                                                                        
"But which would have the greater value?"

At this moment, the man was enlightened.

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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

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What happened to you?

Well, grandpa's dead...

Oh, no, how did it happen?

See, we took him to see our new house and he was out on the balcony and the rail broke and he fell...

So that's how he died?

No, he grabbed on to the window but the hinge broke and he fell...

So that's how he died?                                                     
                                  
No, he fell on a tree in our yard...                   

So that's how he died?

No, the branches catapulted him to the roof and slipped dragging the tiles down with him...

So that's how he died?

No, he grabbed on to the water pipe and that broke and he fell through the roof...

So that's how he died?

No, he kept rolling down the stairs until he rolled out the front door...

So that's how he died?

No, we decided to shoot him then and there before he destroyed the rest of the house.

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Aliens arrive on Earth and all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn and he asks them about Jesus.

Pope: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

Alien: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "That's weird, he came here 2000 years ago and he did say he was coming back but we are still waiting..."

The aliens reply "Hmm... is your chocolate any good?"

Now the Pope is lost for words... "But... what does chocolate have to do with anything?"

And the aliens reply "When he came to our planet we threw him a party and we gave him some chocolates that he appreciates every time he comes back. What did you do when he came here?"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she’d a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

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GALLERY:




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CORN CORNER:

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

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I have daily sex

I mean dyslexia, I have dyslexia.

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Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you…

But smoking bacon will cure it.

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When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

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