---- 😊😊😊 -----
Hello Byters.
A cocktail of international humour below, hope no-one gets offended.
Enjoy
Caution: risqué content ahead.
---- 😊😊😊 -----
SOME HUMOUR:
__________
USA:
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
What is the difference between Americans and the British?
Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.
What's the funniest state in the USA?
West Virginia. The whole place is hill areas.
(Boom, boom, tsshh)
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.
__________
England:
A guy walks into a bar and hears two overweight women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" The guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
__________
Ireland:
Why is Ireland so rich?
Because its capital is always Dublin.
A repost:
A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…
One eager child says, "My da says to cover ma mouth when I cough ‘cos ma cold is contagious!"
"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"
"My mam says ma laugh is contagious!" said another child.
"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?"
"Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a really small brush." said Paddy. "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"
What's the difference between Ireland and Iceland?
A sea.
(Think about it).
__________
Australia:
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at Customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies "I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia anymore."
An Australian is visiting Britain.
He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights, and just crosses streets whenever and wherever, almost getting hit by cars all the time.
A police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?"
The Aussie replies: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
__________
New Zealand:
I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.
He started counting, but he fell asleep.
An ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.
He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the man calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hours, so the guy hangs out with the farmer on the porch of the farm.
He asks the farmer if he would allow him to talk to the farmer’s dog. ‘Dog doesn’t talk ya idiot’ replies the farmer.
Undeterred the Aussie asks the dog ‘How are you boy?’, to which the dog replies ‘I’m well, my master treats me well, takes me for long walks and lets me sleep wherever I like’.
The farmer is flabbergasted.
Then the man asks if he can talk to the horse. ‘Horse doesn’t talk ya idiot’ he replies.
The Aussie man the horse how he’s doing.
‘Good!’ exclaims the horse. ‘My owner rides me often and feeds me well. I don’t have any complaints at all’.
The farmer can’t believe what he’s witnessing. The man then asks the farmer’s sheep how it’s doing.
The farmer yells out ‘DONT LISTEN TO HIM, HE’S A FUCKING LIAR!!’
__________
Germany:
German humour is like healthcare.
Most Americans don't get it.
A teacher is talking to her students about the American Dream and asked a German boy whether there was a German Dream. He said "There was but no-one liked it."
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "Gross!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
__________
Saudi Arabia:
A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England
He texts his father, "Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train."
His father replies; "Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family."
__________
Belarus:
I have posted this a number of times previously but it is too good not to include:
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
__________
Czechoslovakia:
What city is located right in the middle of Czechoslovakia?
Oslo.
Three people died and went to Heaven where they were met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter said to the first arrival, a man, “There is a simple test to gain admission, spell ‘Love’, symbolising God’s love for you.”
“L-O-V-E” said the man.
“Fine,” said St Peter, “in you go.”
The second arrival was also a man, spelt ‘Love’ correctly and was given admission.
The third, a woman, was told there was a test to gain admission.
Before he could say more she said: “Don’t start on me with that crap. I have had it with guys giving me a hard time. I’ve had to work twice as hard to get half as far as the men I worked with, put up with their arrogance and bullshit, I come up here and there’s some stupid test I have to pass. What is it?”
St Peter says “Spell Czechoslovakia.”
---- 😊😊😊 -----
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
I wanted a limerick that kept the international place theme going, hence the one below.
Some explanations:
Khartoum is the capital city of Sudan.
Newton's Third Law of Motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
There was a young man of Khartoum,
The strength of whose balls was his doom.
So strong was his shootin',
The third law of Newton
Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
---- 😊😊😊 -----
GALLERY:
---- 😊😊😊 -----
CORN CORNER:
__________
I found a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it.
I phoned the police and said "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb." The operator asked "Is it tickin?"
I said, "No I think its ham and cheese."
---- 😊😊😊 -----
My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
__________
A guy in a hurry is hurrying down the stairs.
Suddenly, a boy on one landing shouts at him.
Boy: Careful, Mister, someone spilled oil here!
Guy: Don't give me lessons, you pipsquea-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-keak!
---- 😊😊😊 -----
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.