FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello again Byters and wellcome to another Friday.

If you're not aware of what today is, the theme of the following jokes will make it apparent.

Enjoy.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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If any of you are sad about being alone on Valentines Day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and Valentine's Day shouldn't be any different.

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A variation on the above . . . 

A mother heard her daughter crying in her room, so she went in to see what was the matter.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"Oh, Mom, it's Valentine's Day and nobody loves me!"

The mother thought for a moment and said "Oh, cheer up dear, this isn't the only day nobody loves you!"

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My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines Day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

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My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

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A Valentines Poem

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Whitney Houston is dead

and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou

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This Valentines Day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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My Wife was all excited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.

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Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

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For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for anniversary dinner. She said "Anywhere as long as it's expensive." I bought her a sandwich at the airport.

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The woman opposite the road from me called me a pervert earlier, I don't know why!

Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

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A guy walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day.

He couldn't help but notice a middle-aged, balding man wearing a suit, standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. There were stacks and stacks of envelopes. He kept watching as the man then took out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying the scent over the envelopes.

By now, the guy's curiosity had got the better of him so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "Every year before Valentines Day, I send out 500 Valentines Day cards, signed, 'Guess who? xoxo' "

The guy asked, "But, why?"

The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlour.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young fellow named Goody

Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?

If he found himself nude

With a gal in the mood

The question's not woody but could he?

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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What is the difference between a baseball and Prince William?

One is thrown to the air.

The other is heir to the throne.

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My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.

I looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"