Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today’s theme: hearing and hearing aids.

Enjoy Byters.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid . . .

“State of the art” he said.

“ It cost me an absolute fortune.”

“That’s brilliant dad, what type is it ?”

“It’s 2:30” he replied.

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I found some hearing aids outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, are these yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

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Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor: "Describe the symptoms."

Patient: "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

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An old English lord comes back home late one night. His butler opens the door for him, and says: “Ah, here comes the old fart. So, did you spend all the money on booze and prostitutes again?”

“No, John”, replied the lord. “I was at the doctor getting hearing aids.”

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An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Charge the battery in your hearing aid."

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“What do we want!?”

“Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”

“Hearing aids!”

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My friend told me had hearing loss in his right ear.

I said, "are you certain?"

And he said, "yes. I'm definite."

(Okay, I will explain: “I’m deaf in it.”)

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A gynaecologist was waiting on his last patient who was way behind schedule. After an hour, he made himself a gin and tonic to relax.

Afterward he settled into an armchair to read the newspaper and, a few minutes later, heard the doorbell ring. It was the patient embarrassed and apologising for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answered the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” she answered.

He made her a drink, sat down in front of her and they started talking.

Suddenly they heard someone opening the front door to the office.

The doctor got up, peered out the window and said, “It’s my wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there’s some nonsense going on!”

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Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, an elderly man went to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returned to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor told him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man replied, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my Will three times!"

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

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Lord Henry lived alone in his manor with his faithful manservant, James.

His lordship had a regular daily routine which included James assisting his lordship with his bath. Once his lordship was in his bath, it was James’ duty to fetch Lord Henry a brandy.

One day his lordship was feeling drowsy in his bath and began drifting off to sleep, just as James was about to leave to get Lord Henry his daily brandy. As James was turning the handle on the door, his lordship broke wind. James paused, looked at his lordship and left.

Some time later James came back, carrying a silver tray with a glass of brandy, a jar of Bovril, a cheap fob watch and a hot water bottle.

“What’s all this?” asked his lordship.

“The things you asked for, m’lord,” said James.

“You must be daft, my good man,” said his lordship, “I asked for nothing of the sort.”

“I’m sorry, your lordship,” replied James, “I could have sworn that as I was leaving I heard you ask for a four bob fob watch, hot water bottle and bottle of Bovril.”

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A man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. Out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.

The Bartender wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, Ducks begin shooting out of the top of the bottle. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS not a Million DUCKS!"

To this the man replied, "Yeah, and I didn't wish for a 12-inch pianist Either."

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An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Crap!,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

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