Some Irish humour in recognition of this Saturday being St Patrick's Day . . .
Paddy and Seamus were giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.
After another bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.
After a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy, who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " He was alright when we found him here but since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word!”
One fine day in Ireland, a man is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little fellow with a huge bump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little figure. Upon awakening, the little man says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough chap, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same leprechaun and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.
The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?
O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."
The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."