Wednesday nights are trivia nights. As regular readers know, our trivia team is named Lazarus but I have recently suggested on a number of occasions that we go back to our old practice of changing the name each week to punchlines and phrases from jokes, preferably dirty jokes. Hence in the past we have been called such names as “Why do you ask Two Dogs?” and “Zachary’s Disease”.
Last Wednesday I managed to almost sneak in an answer sheet headed “My wife comes from Minsk” but it was countermanded by the female members, Carol and Kerrie, who didn’t even know the joke. Spoilsports!!
The Minsk joke follows with some other Jewish humour,. (The Minsk joke is a repost, having been posted in Bytes some time ago).
The only cow in a small twon in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately.
At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mentsh."
An honorable, decent person, an authentic person, a person who helps you when you need help. Can be a man, woman or child.
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.
In Jewish tradition the foetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
Three guys are about to be executed, and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, 'Peperoni Pizza,' which he is served and then he is quickly executed. The Frenchman requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then he is promptly executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
A general word that calls for a reply. It can mean, “So?” “Huh?” “Well?” “What’s up?” or “Hello?”
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, were curious about the latest arrival in their building; a quiet, nice - looking gentleman who kept to himself.
Shirley said," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agreed, and later that day at the pool she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he said, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," said Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yelled, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!"
The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and asked, "How come Jews are always so well informed?"
Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"
The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"
Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).
The President: "What? Is it that simple?"
Advisor: "I think so sir."
President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."
The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"
The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."
The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah. "I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble...First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard...."
"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!" "Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... An try to find a cab...And you know what holiday crowds are like..." "Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive..and they're not like they used to be..." "Ma! You'll stay at the White House!" "Well..." She thinks. "I guess. O.K. " she sighs, " I'll come...for you." That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks. "I'm visiting my son for Chanukah." "The doctor?"
"No...the other one."
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the Rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the Rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said and as he started to hand them the heck a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."