Friday, April 29, 2016

Funny Friday

_______________________________


Yep, Friday again and time for some fun.

Today, a bit of religious humour with emphasis on men and women of the cloth.

A word of caution: irreverent and risqué humour follows.
_______________________________

A couple of novice nuns walked into the corner liquor store and one of them asked the proprietor for a fifth of gin. "Sisters, now how would it look for a respectable fellow like me to sell alcohol to nuns?" was the reply. One of the nuns leaned over the counter and whispered conspiratorially, "It's really for the Mother Superior's constipation." The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to them since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition that they hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone. 

An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside, only to immediately come across the nuns on a park bench, roaring drunk. 

"Sisters," he said angrily, "you know I only sold you that gin because it was to ease Mother superior's constipation." 

"It ish," slurred one the nuns. When she sees us, she's gonna be shittin' bricks."
_______________________________

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. 

Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." 

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" 

The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. 

And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "It’s great, once or twice a month." 

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a month? How is that geat?" 

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, it's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." 
_______________________________

On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
_______________________________


_______________________________

Sitting on the train with a young curate, the bishop was doing The Times crossword. 'Three across,' he said out loud, 'exclusively female, four letters, ends in U-N-T.' 

'Aunt,' suggested the curate. 

'Shit,' said the bishop, 'have you got an eraser?' 
_______________________________

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
_______________________________



_______________________________

A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island.

"Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.

"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chest, another boat appeared.

"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chin, a third boat appeared.

"Get in, this is your last chance!"

"No, Jesus will save me!"

So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to h\heaven and was greeted by Jesus.

"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown!  I don't believe it!"

"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!"
_______________________________

A nun is driving the convent's car through some very lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the petrol into the tank. 

A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out and says "Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"



Corn Corner:

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C.  As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. 

As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"



No comments:

Post a Comment