Friday, April 8, 2016

Funny Friday


It's Friday again so it must be time for some fun.

No theme this week, just a selection of amusing items.  Some of them are repeats, I came across them again this week and they had me laughing so they are worth a second outing.

Enjoy, readers.
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The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. 

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. 

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. 

"You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar...

It could happen.
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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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God decided he needed a vacation.

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."
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My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...

She'll be back when she's hungry.
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Corn Corner:

I often have trouble spelling my own address. "Surrey" seems to be the hardest word.
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Bonus corn . . . 



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