Coming back from the city in a taxi after a court matter on Thursday, I was wondering what to post for Funny Friday. Then the thought dawned: taxi humour. When I looked up the Bytes blog later, I found that in 2015 I had already used taxis and taxi drivers as a theme for a Funny Friday, No matter, I am reposting some of the previous taxi items, plus a couple that have been posted on odd occasions and some new ones.
A warning though: there are risque items included so don’t proceed further if you may be offended.
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the cab and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost. After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!" "Sorry. I didn't realise a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie. "Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day. "What are you here for?" asked the driver. "My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
A taxi driver in Manchester was sat in his cab, hands down his pants, doing a routine testicular cancer check, when a gorgeous girl with great big boobs climbed in.
"How much to Oldham?" she enquired.
He said; "You can hold 'em for nowt, love, if I can hold yours as well!"
A Japanese man hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to the airport. During the journey, a Nissan drove past the taxi. The Japanese man said to the driver "Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man told the driver "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi overtook the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese said to the driver "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi got to the airport. The fare was over $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Why so expensive?" The driver said "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
A drunk staggers into the back of a taxi. He leans towards the driver and says, "Excuse me, have you got room for a lobster and 3 bottles of wine on your front seat?" "I think so." says the driver. "Good," replies the drunk, then threw up.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor: “Well pull yourself together man!”
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll deal with you later."
I ate four bowls of delicious alphabet soup.
After that I had a massive vowel movement.
I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!"
I woke up with a start.