St Patrick's Day has been and gone, but that's no reason for not having some rollicking Irish jokes . . .
An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
“Never mind,” he responded, “I found one.”
Two Irish lads were working for the Dublin public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.
At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss thought he would give the Irishman another chance so the three men went to work the next day. Yet again, at the end of the day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was still on 10.
This prompted the boss to approach the Irishman and demand why he was lagging behind. The Irishman replied, 'Sorry sir, but I can't cut down more than 10 trees a day with this saw.' So the boss took the chainsaw to see if there was anything wrong with it. As soon as he pulled the cord the Irishman jumped with fright and exclaimed, 'What the feck is that noise?!'
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognise him?” asked the American.
“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After all, he’s been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he’ll recognise you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all!”
Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do youthink tow thousand pounds is enough to donate for the service?"
Father patrick quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin". 'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton, starts beating the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish service station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o the mornin to ya" As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Rory.
"Aw, Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."
Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“To here!” says the Irishman.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guinness."
“You must be Irish."
"Oh, so ordering a Guinness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"
"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"
"Sir, this is a book store."