Friday, September 4, 2020

Funny Friday


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Funny Friday

Welcome to Funny Friday in the Age of Covid.

Take a moment off, have a coffee, read the following, raise a smile and tell some friends.

Then my work will have been done.

One final comment: some risque humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here give me an example of the word contagious?" Little Johnnie puts up his hand but the teacher knows better not to ask him so she sees little Susie put up her hand.

Teacher: "Yes Susie, what is your example?" Susie: "If you are closer than one and a half metres to someone who is contagious with Covid-19, there's a good chance you too can catch it." Teacher: "Excellent example Susie. Anyone else?"

She sees once again Little Johnnie put up his hand and the teacher really doesn't want to pick him but to her amazement, no one else had their hands up so she had no choice but to pick him.

Teacher: "Ok Johnnie, what is your example?" Little Johnnie: "The other day my dad and I were at the front of our house watching 92 year old Mr. Hollstein painting his fence. My dad mumbled to himself 'It’s gonna take that contagious to finish painting that fence.”

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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist & Dr. Jones was a Proctologist.

They put up a sign reading Dr Smith & Dr Jones Hysterias & Posteriors

The town council was livid and insisted they change it-

So, the docs changed it to read... Schizoids & Haemorrhoids

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to... Catatonics and High Colonics - no go

Next, they tried... Manic Depressives & Anal Retentives

Then came... Minds & Behinds -still no good.

Another attempt resulted in... Lost Souls & Butt Holes -unacceptable again!

So, they tried... Analysis & Anal Cysts -not a chance

Nuts & Butts -no way

Freaks & Cheeks -still no good

Loons & Moons -forget it!

Almost at their wits end, the docs finally came up with Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones Specializing in Odds & Ends

Everyone loved it..!

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A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. 
He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now as they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September
  
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FROM THE VAULT:

#1

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had stares from people all around.

Finally at age 21 his brother turning 19 begged him to come to a bar with him and some friends. He said "you're out of school now, ppl are more accepting of your eye and you won't get made fun of I promise!" After enough convincing he decided he would go. Still a virgin he was very hopeful of meeting a nice young lady.

When they arrive at this dance bar the man with a wooden eye found a nice low lit spot in the corner. As he scanned the room he saw a girl in the opposite corner with a really big nose! He thought to himself, maybe she feels like me and is just tucking away herself. He really wanted to ask her to dance. After a few minutes he conjured up the courage to ask her to dance. He makes his way across the dance floor with his heart pounding and palms sweating he reaches her and says...

"Heyyy ahhh would.... Would... Would you like to go for a dance with me?"

The lady responds "Would’n I!"

He replies "Fuck you big nose!!"

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#2

A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbour, a big, hairy guy living few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

"There will be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbour. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says "Okay, why not."

"There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbour.

"It's okay, I can sing", he answers.

"And know that there will be heavy drinking too."

"That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."

"There will be fighting too", says the neighbour.

"Uh, okay, I think I can live with that", he says.

"And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."

"Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.

"So I can count you in?", asks the neighbour.

"You bet you can", he says enthusiastically.

"Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neighbour and turns to go away.

"Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbour. "How should I dress?"

"It don't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

In 1914 Charles Merrill opened Charles E. Merrill & Co in Wall Street in New York City, advising on investment and wealth management.  A few months later, Merrill's friend, Edmund Lynch, joined him, and in 1915 the name was officially changed to Merrill, Lynch & Co.  Over the years the firm merged with others and the name changed from time to time.  In 1941, Merrill Lynch, E. A. Pierce, and Cassatt merged with Fenner & Beane, a New Orleans-based investment bank and commodities company. The combined firm, which became the clear leader in securities brokerage in the U.S., was renamed Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Beane.

Which was all to the good for us limerickphiles in that it gave birth to a wonderful, and a classic. Limerick that today is still worthy posting but which has been torpedoed by the further name change of the business.  In 1958 the company changed its name to Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith. Winthrop Smith had been running the company since 1940 and it became the world’s largest security firm

Here is the original limerick ruined by the name change:

In Wall Street a girl named Irene,
Made an offering somewhat obscene.
She stripped herself bare,
And offered a share,
To Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, and Beane.

Gold.

Not the same Irene as:

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

Not an exact rhyme but still silver.

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GALLERY:










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CORN CORNER:

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible.

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer:

SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS

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People treat me like a god . . . 
They ignore me until they need me.

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Two factors that cause the spread of COVID-19

1.     How dense the population is

2.     How dense the population is

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A few years ago, my friends and I started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We still haven’t gotten a gig.

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Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car.

Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.

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A blonde named Edna had to appear in court as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor asked her, "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "It's irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said Edna from the witness stand. "I can answer that question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said Edna. "I don't mind giving the answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

Edna replied brightly, "I don't know."

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