Friday, October 30, 2020

Funny Friday

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SOME HUMOUR . . . 

Caution:
Risque humour ahead. 

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Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year? 

Because nobody would wear a mask. 

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NAOMI: Did you know that my name backwards is ‘I MOAN’? That’s just so funny because I love moaning. 

LANA: You can just fuck off with your silly games. 

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Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.” 

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” 

“My false teeth are killing me.” “Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do...” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. 

Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.” “Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.” Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.” 

Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!” 

Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.” 

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What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common? 

They don’t hang themselves. 

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An old man is selling watermelons... 

his pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. 

"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. 

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. 

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..." 

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website. 

Asked me "Will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards. 

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: 

Dear Sir, 

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. 

Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co. 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: 

Dear Sir, 

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. 

Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co. 

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: 

Dear Sir, 

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. 

Very truly yours, 

Acme Costume Co. 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . 

By moi.

It’s time for Halloween cheer 
When one tries to create primal fear, 
Forget witches and ghosts, 
What has scared me the most 
Has been the whole of this fucking year. 

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GALLERY . . .






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CORN CORNER . . .

Jokes about fat people aren't funny. 

Don't you all think those people already have enough on their plate? 

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I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick! 

Knock 

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I told my gf that i had a crush on Beyonce! 

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat" 

And i said "No that's Buoyancy" 

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Forgive me father, priest, padre, vicar, pastor 

For I have synonymed 

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