Friday, September 3, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY


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It’s Fathers Day here in Oz this Sunday, the first Sunday in September (the third Sunday in June in the US, UK and Canada). It’s also the beginning of Spring, so it’s happy and positive moments amidst a worsening pandemic and harsh lockdown restrictions.

A happy Fathers Day to the dads, including son Thomas who is a dad-to-be, ETA November 22, may the following items raise a smile or two.

Caution, some risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Two Texans were having lunch at their favourite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head 'no.'

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge.

The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!"
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My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
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I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen

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A reporter went to a small village and asked one of the old villagers, "Hey, could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "Well, one time a neighbour’s goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

The reporter looks astonished and says "My friend. I can't make a report on a story like that, why don't you tell me a happy story."

The villager says "Oh ok, well one time the wife of a neighbour got lost in the mountains, we all got together to look for her and we found her. Then we all celebrated and drank and then everyone had sex with her.”

The reporter says "My God, I can’t use that either. Tell me a sad story!"

The villager, saddened, looks to the ground and replies, "Well, one time I got lost in the mountains . . . "

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was an old man from Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

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GALLERY:





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A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer says, “No, I don’t have a Case, I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer says, “Yeah, I got me a grudge, that’s where I parks me John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer says, “Yes sir, I got me a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer says, “Oh no sir. We both get up about the same time, around 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it to you this way. “Why do you want a divorce from your wife?” 

The farmer replied, “Well, I can never have me a meaningful conversation with her.”

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CORN CORNER:

I named my two dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watchdogs.
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What do you get when you rub two oranges together?

Pulp friction.
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If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, it’s on the right foot.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Is it One or Two?

One.......or Two?

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