A friend emailed me a joke during the week, a classic oldie but a newie if you haven’t seen it before:
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.When the Priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”The Priest replied, ”You moron! You're on my side.”
So that also sets the theme for today’s Funny Friday, readers: confessions and the confessional.
Stay safe and stay well.
By the way, risqué content ahead (what would you expect with confessional jokes?)
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kiddin'?!? What happened next?'"
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confession box and says nothing. After a few minutes the priest coughs to attract the man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in an attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either".
A man attends confession and tells the priest that he used profane language while playing golf.
The priest asks him to explain the situation so he can decide on his punishment.
The man says “I sliced my drive badly into the trees”.
The priest says “And that’s when you swore.”
The man: “No, a rabbit picked up my ball and bounded away with it.”
Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”
Man: “No. An eagle swooped down, caught the rabbit and started flying away.”
Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”
Man: “No, Father, because the rabbit dropped the ball, it landed on the green and finished six inches from the hole."
Priest: “DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!!!"
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my parents’ house for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth.”
“Well,” the third one says, “I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A few days ago I posted an item about how the limerick may have been so named. The theory put forward by Langford Reed was that it came from veterans of the Irish Brigade singing verses with a chorus inviting people to come to Limerick.
Langford Reed was a bit of a limerickist himself, here is another of his:
An indolent vicar of Bray
His roses allowed to decay.
His wife, more alert,
Bought a powerful squirt
And said to her spouse, ‘Let us spray.’
Yes, I agree that is a little tame, so here is another classic oldie of a somewhat more ribald nature, still in keeping with the religious and cleric theme . . .
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
Some variations . . .
There was a young lady from Kew,
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"Not bad for a bishop, it's true,
but the prick of the vicar
is slicker and thicker
and two inches longer than you."
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.
So I gave her nothing.
Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
Your call is very important to us.
So please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.
Dated a blind girl once
Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :............