Friday, February 11, 2022

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some funnies for Friday for you. . . enjoy, dear readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper: "tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it" said Rose. "50,000."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed "I mean, it was very nice, but really.......$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest services. The food and drinks for another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly: "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?"

"Seven and a half carats."
__________

(Thanks to John P for this one. . . )

A man in Ireland was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left he asked his next-door neighbour, Mrs. Dunn, if she wanted anything from England.

'Yes', she said. 'Could you please find my son Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. Anyway, here's his address.' And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:

Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.

The next day, the man embarked on his journey.

The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying 'WC'.

He entered the room and proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: - 'Are you Neely Dunn?'

'Yes, but I’ve run out of paper', came the reply.

'Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!!'
__________

Scott Morrison walks into a Commonwealth Bank in Canberra to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Molrrison: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Scott Morrison, the Prime Minister of Australia.”

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the privacy legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Morrison: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Morrison, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Morrison:" My God, I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Morrison, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Ash Barty came in without ID. She pulled out her tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereby the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed her cheque.

So, Mr. Morrison, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Morrison stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Morrison?"
__________

This guy is at a funeral, and he goes up to the widow…
…and he asks her if he may say something.

She says “Please do”

So he walks up to the casket, clears his throat, and says “Bargain”

Later the widow walks up to him and says “Thank you, that means a great deal.”

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Two from the archives this week, both from 2015:

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!
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God decided he needed a vacation.

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
Said the girl, "What damned rot!
You've felt only my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"

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VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Paul Hogan’s Oscars speech from 1987 . . .




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CORN CORNER:

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with horse racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... AND THEY’RE OFF!!!.....
__________

I have two unwritten rules.

1.

2.
__________

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.

It isn't a good sign.
__________

My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember


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