As the world gets gloomier and Covid continues to make its presence felt, there is an even greater need for some lightness and levity.
A lengthy Bytes today and some lengthy items that hopefully you will enjoy.
Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a factory in Moscow to have a chat with the workers. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Dimitry puts his hand up and says, "I have two questions:
Why did the Russians take Crimea? and
Why have we invaded the Ukraine?"
Putin says, "Good questions".
But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the workers go to lunch.
When they come back, there is room for some more questions. Another worker, Misha, says "I have four questions:
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why have we invaded the Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early? and
Where is Dimitry?”
The manager of a ladies' dress shop realised that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.
"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."
"And what is it?"
"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing."
"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"
"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?' “
A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.
Honestly, I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous International Airlines (that shall not be named) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the post office," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!"
In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
“Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”
“Test of Three?”
“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No…actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
LAW & LAWYERS
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
You probably know the limerick that uses a rhyme for Australia:
An artistic young man from Australia
Painted his arse like a dahlia.
The likeness was fine
And the color sublime
But the aroma, now that was a falia
Alternative version #1:
There was a young man from Australia
Who tattooed his bum like a dahlia
The likeness was fine
And the colour sublime
But the aroma, now that was a failure.
Alternative version #2:
There was a young girl of Australia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia,
When the petals uncurled,
It revealed to the world,
That as clothing the dress was a failure.
Which is a segue to another limerick I came across with a rhyme for Australia:
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia:
"Though the system seems odd,
We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.
But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby
So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it shits itself a lot."