Friday, March 4, 2022

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some lighter moments for these grim times . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!

The other billionaire scratches his chin. 'Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?'

The guy replies: 'A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price.'

The other billionaire says: 'Sell him to me for two million?'

'No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!'

'Three million!'

'I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!'

'Alright, five million!'

'Five million?.. Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends'.

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:

'What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!'

The other billionaire looks at him and says:

'Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!'

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.

His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

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During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.

So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said one. "I have an idea! Maybe we could call out a very common German name and get him to stick his head out!"

Since Hans is a very common German name, they decide to call it out.

"Hans? Haaaaaannsss?"

"Ya?"

Bang! The sniper was shot dead.

The British soldiers advance rapidly, using their technique to effectively take over the previously sniper infested area.

The Germans quickly figured out their trick and attempted to copy it with a British name.

"Hmmm Wat is a common British name?"

"How about Paddy? Like Paddington"

"Oh Ja Ja! Good name!"

So, the Germans started calling out the name:

"Padyy! Paddyyyy!!!!"

Dead silence

"Paddyyyy!"

Suddenly, someone answered​:

"Ummmm... Paddy isn't here... But is that you Hans?"

"Ja!"

BANG

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Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

One day she notices he looks depressed. Scarlett says to him, "Listen, you’re the best lover I have ever had. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know."

He tells her, "Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach." Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it. Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, "BRO! BRO! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Alternative version:

A Pacific cruise was battered by storms for days, the ship’s radio was wrecked, as was its geopositioning equipment. When the ship sank there were only 2 survivors, Margot Robbie and Jack. Shipwrecked. On a South Pacific island with no one knowing they were there.

After three weeks Margot said to Jack “How come you haven’t tried it on, Jack?” “I’m shy,” he replied, “and you’re famous . . .” “What’s there to be shy about? We’re two people alone on a tropical island and no one knows we’re here. Let’s get it on.”

After another three weeks Margot tells him “Jack, I have to tell you, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had. Whatever you want, just tell me.”

“Well . . .” he starts, then pauses.

“Tell me, Jack. It’s like I said before, there’s nothing to be shy about here.”

“In that case,” he says, “could you put on these men’s clothes, hat and moustache?”

Mystified, she does what he asks. He then asks her to wait at a nearby tree,

While she’s waiting, Jack comes up, puts a hand on “his” shoulder and says “Mate, you’re not gonna believe this . . . “

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
That spring would come
So he could bum
Around and go out fich.

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GALLERY:




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CORN CORNER:

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I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

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A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control

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They say that British kids are kind

But German kids are kinder.

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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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