Some frivolity, jocularity and hilarity for the better days coming . . . in other words, some laughs for the weekend.
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile.
"Could have been worse," he says. "Could have been me."
I will never forget my grandpa’s last words.
He said “Quit shakin’ the ladder you little shit!”
My friend gave me his EpiPen before he died.
It seemed important to him that I have it.
The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time to see who can catch the bunny and claim bragging rights.
The CIA goes in first. They set up surveillance and listening posts all over the place. The CIA after a two month operation concludes there is no bunny. The President is unimpressed.
Next is the FBI’s turn. After 7 days they burn the forest to the ground and announce they got the bunny. The President is angry and says “This is not good”.
Finally he sends in the LAPD. The LAPD charge in with their guns and batons at the ready. “Finally” the President thinks “We will get some results”. After 12 hours the LAPD officers march out triumphantly dragging with them a very badly beaten bear that they push to the ground in front of the President.
“Okay okay” the bear says as he shakes with fear “I confess I am a rabbit”
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
LAW & LAWYERS
It’s a re-post from the vault but worth another airing . . .
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young fellow of Warwick,
Who had reason for feeling euphoric;
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
Jesus and the Apostles walk into a Bar...
Jesus motions to the bartender, says "13 waters, please," and winks at the apostles.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who’s responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man!!” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I go to a Plastic Surgery Addict Support Group weekly.
There are a lot of new faces in the group every week.