Funny Friday

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Today is Friday, the end of the week and close to the end of the year.  Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat  . . .

By the way:

That line comes from an old children’s nursery rhyme that was later turned into a song:

Christmas is coming,

The goose is getting fat;

Please put a penny

In the old man’s hat.

If you haven’t got a penny,

A ha’penny will do;

If you haven’t got a ha’penny

God bless you.

Even if you haven’t got a ha’penny (translation: half penny, pronounced hay-penny), here is some humour for free to bring a smile, perhaps even a laugh or two.

Today’s theme is screwdrivers, only because I didn’t think it was possible to extract humour from so mundane an item.

As the word suggests, however, there is some risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

A screwdriver turns in screws, Bill Clinton screws interns.

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A screwdriver walks into a bar.. .

bartender says, we have a drink named after you, to which the screwdriver responds "You have a drink named Eric?"

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A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbour’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbour’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:

“One day I got lost in the mountains.....”

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?" 

"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud. 

The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way." 

"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you." 

The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private." 

So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again. 

The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied. 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" 

"I can't piss out of it," Morris replied.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

Another original by moi:

Trump’s aims exceeded his reach

As they now look on if to impeach,

“You don’t get the dough

‘Cept for dirt quid pro quo”

Doesn’t fall within freedom of speech.

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GALLERY . . .

  

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CORN CORNER:

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up, takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the taproom.

A man at the bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement. "I've never seen anything like that before," he says. "Who was that?"

"Surprised you never heard of him," answered the barman. "That was Adjustin' Beaver."

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What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?

A tool eater bottle.

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