Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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This being the last Funny Friday before the start of the new year, here is some humour to usher in the year with a smile and a laugh . . .

Caution:

There is risqué humour ahead, proceed at your risk.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

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I have a New Year's Revolution.

It's to spell-check everything before posting!

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He would come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

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I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution.

She said “Fuck you”, so I’m very excited for 2020.

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Four Russians go to a hotel.

When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about Putin, so he creates a plan.

The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits. Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Putin. The fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can hear us, right?”

“That’s not true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go straight to sleep.

The next morning, the fourth communist goes down and has breakfast. When he comes back he finds the room ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they take me?” asked the fourth communist. “President Putin liked your joke.”

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FROM THE VAULT . . .

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.

Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.

The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.

And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

An original limerick by moi . . .

I hope 2020's a blast.