Friday, December 13, 2019

FUNNY FRIDAY


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Oops, wrong holly . . . 

. . . still the wrong one . . . 

. . .   that's the one!

Everyone is aware that . . .



No doubt things are becoming more hectic and stressful so take a moment to have a coffee and read the items in Funny Friday, guaranteed to raise a smile or your money back.

A Christmas theme to some of the items but be warned, there is also risque content ahead.


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SOME HUMOUR . . .

When I was six, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my Dad.

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Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"
"No you sicko - I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

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A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"

The Frenchmen responds "No, no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"

The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"

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Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.   When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and  thongs."   The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.  

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."   Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.  

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.  

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour." 

 "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

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A blind man went to a restaurant.  "Menu, sir?" asked the owner.

"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath.

"Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables"

"Unbelievable!" thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.

Two weeks later, the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his sense of smell was, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said, "Do me a favour and rub this fork over your privates”,  which she does. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.

The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting, I never knew Brenda worked here."


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FROM THE VAULT . . .

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?" The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home." The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home." The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

There was a young girl of La Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.

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GALLERY:







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CORN CORNER:

My Christmas advice:
Forget the past, you can't change it.
Forget the present, because I didn't get you one.

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So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

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Why was the smoker disappointed on Christmas?
Because he got clothes but no cigar.

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!
This will be for the Christmas period only.



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