Saturday, August 1, 2020

Brett's Monthly and Readers Write

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Here we are in August and it seems a long time gone that we could go to a restaurant and not worry about distancing or being infected, meeting friends, listening to or reading the news where the main stories were not about daily death tolls and infection stats . . . 

The world has changed and what we once knew will not return. 

One thing that hasn’t changed is Brett and his monthlies, his emails sent each month of the forthcoming Daily Bizarre and Unique Calendar Holidays. 

Also as usual, thanks Brett. 

Here is Brett’s list for August, click on the individual days to expand. 

Readers Write follows Brett’s lists. 

Month:
  • Admit You're Happy Month
  • Family Fun Month
  • Dog Days of Summer - July 3 - August 11
  • International Clown Week - always August 1-7
  • National Catfish Month
  • National Eye Exam Month
  • National Golf Month
  • Peach Month
  • Romance Awareness Month
  • Water Quality Month
  • National Picnic Month
Weekly Events:
  • Week 1 National Simplify your Life Week
  • Week 2 National Smile Week
  • Week 3 Friendship Week
  • Week 4 Be Kind to Humankind Week
August, 2020 Daily Holidays, Special and Wacky Days:
August 1
Campfire Day - First Saturday in August
International Hangover Day - First Saturday in August
National Mustard Day first Saturday
August 2
Friendship Day - First Sunday in August
International Forgiveness Day - First Sunday in August
Sisters Day - First Sunday in August
August 3
August 4
August 5
August 6
August 7
 International Beer Day - First Friday in August
August 8
National Clown Day - Satuday during International Clown Week
August 9
August 10
August 11 - 13
Annual Perseid Meteor Shower - peak date varies slightly
August 11
August 12
August 13
August 14
14/15 V-J Day - which date do you celebrate as the end of WWII?
August 15
Relaxation Day - now this one's for me!
August 16
August 17
August 18
August 19
August 20
August 21
August 22
National Tooth Fairy Day - and/or February 28
August 23
August 24
August 25
Chinese Valentine's Day/Daughter's Day - 7th day of 7th Lunar Month
August 26
August 27
August 28
Race Your Mouse Day - but we are not sure what kind of "mouse"
August 29
International Bacon Day - Saturday before Labor Day
August 30
August 31

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Tim B responded to the Funny Friday golf joke: 

Hi Otto, 

Hope all is well with you and your family. Concerning the golfer joke, I heard it a little different. 

It’s called a golfer’s dilemma. Two golfers were tied after 18 holes for the club championship so they went back to the 18th hole for a sudden death playoff. The first golfer hit his ball dead center of the fairway. The second golfer hit his into the woods. After both golfers searched for the ball in the woods, the second golfer told the first golfer to go ahead and hit his ball and he would keep looking until the 3 minutes search time was up. As the first golfer hit his ball onto the green, the second golfer called out “Found it” and proceeded to hit his ball out of the woods two feet from the hole. Now, the dilemma: “Should I tell that lying son of a bitch I have his ball in my pocket?” 

Take care, 

Tim B 

Thanks Tim 

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Sandy sent me an email about the European Tree of the Year post: 

You’ve stuffed up here mate.  
The Nona Selo Village and Blarney Castle Tree are the same photo….. 
I forgive you showing your lovely terrace home off  
Sandy 

Thanks Sandy, I could say that I did that deliberately to see who was paying attention but it was a genuine TIFU moment. Here are the two trees: 

The Nove Selo Oak 

The Blarney Cork tree 

So here’s one for you, Sandy: 


What tree is it and where is it found? 

Answer tomorrow 

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Steve M also sent me an email about the trees post: 

Thanks for your Bytes today Otto,

I thought I would send a picture of the Australian Tree of the Year.

This is a Lavatree 



Thanks Steve, one for Corn Corner. 

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Brett sent me an email which touched off contributions form others: 

From Brett:

I have a doctor joke, but it's pretty sick. 
I have a farmer joke, but it's pretty earthy. 
I have an artist joke, but it's pretty sketchy. 
I have a comedian joke, but it's not funny. 
I have a cosmonaut joke, but it's way out there. 
I had a treasure hunter joke, but I can't find it. 
I have a baker joke that takes the cake. 
I have a novel joke, but it needs editing. 
I have a numismatics joke, but it's worthless. 
I have a musician joke, but it's off-key. 
I have a roof joke, but it's over everybody's head. 
I have a CoVid-19 joke, but too many people will get it. 
I have an ocean joke, but it's pretty deep. 
I have a Jude joke, but it's pretty obscure. 
I have a car joke, but it needs fine-tuning. 
I have an undertaker joke, but it's pretty dead. 
I have a chef joke, but it's pretty spicy.  
Can you add any more?  
Brett 

From Eric: 

I had a surrealist joke, but a giraffe melted with it.
I have a carpenter joke, but I’m too hammered to remember it.
I had an Alzheimer’s joke, but I can’t remember it.
I had an LSD joke, but Tim Leary flew away with it in his Astral plane into a moody blue sky.
I have a fisherman joke, but everybody just carps about it.
I have a Robert Johnson joke, but it’s kind of blue(s).
I have a joke about the night, but it’s kind of dark.
I have a coffee joke, but it gives people the jitters.
I have a Chicken Little and James Bond joke, but it causes the Skyfall. 
 
(With that, I’m definitely wrapping this up.) 

Then Sarah contributed more: 

I have drill press joke, but it's boring.
I have a Chubby Checker joke, but its twisted.
I have an Exon Valdez joke, but its dirty.
I have a Fats Domino joke that will knock you over.
Ugh, maybe not.... 

Brett followed that with a shitload more, bringing the chain to a merciful end: 

From Twitter 
 
I have a penis joke, and it's a short one.
I have an ejaculation joke, but I’m worried that it’s too soon.
I have a surgery joke. It will have you in stitches
I have a St. George joke and it slays.
I have a Trump joke, but it's stupid.
I have a citation joke but you wouldn’t get the reference.
I have an IKEA joke, but it needs a setup.
I have a MAGA joke but it's not that great.
I have an Ancient Greek joke and it’s a Classic!
I have a photography joke but I need to develop it .
I have a bunch of Republican jokes, but they're mostly racist.
I have a joke about time travel but you didn't like it.
I have an unemployment joke but it needs work
I have a trash collector joke but it’s dirty.
I have a dog trainer joke, but it doesn't sit well.
I have an anaesthesiologist joke and it’ll knock you out.
I have a weed joke and its smokin'
I have a folklore joke. I heard it from a friend of a friend.
I have an incest joke that's relatively amusing.
I have a cognitive joke about people, women, men, cameras and TV’s but only the most stable genius could comprehend it.
I have a joke about Trump's makeup, but it's really off-color
I have a COVID test result joke but you’re going to have to wait 2 weeks to get it.
I have a joke about procrastinating, but I'll tell it later
I have a condescending joke, but you wouldn't get it
I have a Mike Tyson joke, but it really bites.
I have a Jeffrey Epstein joke, but I'm gonna keep y'all hangin...
I have a joke about a malfunctioning elevator, but it doesn’t work on many levels
I have a literacy joke but I can’t read it.
I have a teacher joke, but it won’t make the grade.
I have a great joke about philanthropy, but I'm giving too much away.
I have a cake joke, but it's only half baked.
I have a Melania speech joke, but you’ve already heard it.
I have a Smurf joke but it’s a little blue.
I had a wine joke, but it hasn't aged well
I have a JRR Tolkien joke... It has a certain ring to it
I have a dermatologist joke. But it’ll make your skin crawl.
I have a banker joke but there’s no interest
I have a calligraphy joke - let me write it down for you.
Got a joke about pi, but nobody knows how it ends
I have a smallpox joke but nobody gets it.
I have a joke about freezers, and it's chilling.
I have a mime joke but it’s unspeakable.
I have a baseball joke but you won’t catch it.
I have an infrastructure joke, but it needs a lot of buildup.
I have a marijuana joke and it's dope.
I have a speech pathologist joke but it’s hard to articulate
My friends and I have a running Usain Bolt gag...
I have a scatalogical joke, but it's shitty...
I have a Fox News joke, but it’s really just a bunch of bullshit.
I have a virus joke but I don’t want to spread it
I have a joke about echoes, but you've probably heard it before.
I have a boxing joke and it'll knock you out!
I have a Trump joke but it’s not funny.
I have an unemployment joke but it needs some work
I have a marathon joke but it’s really long
I have a Nascar joke, but it's a little racy.
I have an amputee joke but it’s missing something
I have a plant joke but it needs time to grow
I have a dishwasher joke and it’s really clean
I have a knife joke and it cuts deep
I had a joke about Covid legislation but Mitch McConnell blocked it.
I have a joke about cable TV, but there’s breaking news
I had a joke about losing our democracy... but Mitch still has it on his desk. 

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Ron T from the US sent me a note in response to the post about the Australian folk song Bluey Brink: 

Otto, good evening, 

The melody of the song is similar to an American folk song, Sweet Betsy Of Pike. 

When the 3rd Marine Regiment [my old unit] moved from Quang Tri to Dong Ha, we "grunts" found this to be of particular insight: 

Oh, Dong Ha, of Dong Ha's, 
A hell of a place. 
The organization's a f*#?ing disgrace. 
There are captains, and majors and light colonels too, 
Who sit around with nothing to do. 

They sit on the runway, 
They scream and they shout, 
About many things they know nothing about. 
For all they accomplish, they might as well be 
Burning the shitters in good old Quang Tri. 

The shitters were benches with strategically placed holes for evacuation upon Nature's call. The discharge ended in containers [usually the bottom 18 inches of a metal drum] directly below the holes. Daily, kerosene of other available flammable liquid was added and lit. Unknowing [and uncaring], we probably breathed in many pounds of shitter soot. 

Take care, and all the best to you and yours. 

Thanks, Ron. 

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A final word from Steve M, who made some comments about the defacing of the statue of Captain Cook. Some strong words, presented unedited: 

G’day Otto,

Enjoyed your Cook Bytes. I have often thought about Cook’s journey(s) at a time when they had no idea what they were going to find in the Pacific – or even if something existed. There were some that still believed the earth was flat – Dalrymple had been one, but he was a Scott... too much haggis and too man whiskeys. Cook’s was a far greater achievement than man landing on the moon: think about it – we know the moon is there and we knew what we were going to find when we got there – cheese!

A rant:

How dare those ignorant bastards deface Cook’s statue! His achievement was the precursor to us all being here and living the wonderful life we now live. If the Dutch had claimed Australia they would all be living in windmills and running around this big brown land in bloody clogs! (sorry my friend!)

If black lives matter so much, let’s see a demonstration for the 5 year old boy who was gang raped on 1st July by 3 kids of the same ethnicity – how about rattling the can and making a bit of noise about that, you fools!

I’m fired up... where’s my soap box?

Steve m 

Thanks, Steve

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