Sent by John P, thanks John . . .
(A brief explanation that in the US, they call a full stop a period).
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy ... 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.
I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.
She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"...
That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here."
Then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else," which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room.
I had to break it off after that.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South slope and matured in oak barrels," he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vat.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The man tasted it and said "Blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"
BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom!
Amber Heard confessed to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.
Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey arsehole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"
A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" John says “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am t0 4.00pm. You can start tomorrow from 10.00am every day."
John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why do you want me to start here from10.00am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. No point you coming in for that."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young parson of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
She said, "No, you young goose,
Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."
God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.
*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.
Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.
Man: Don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.
After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?
Jesus: Wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.
A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,
Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?
Amazed by the man’s kindness Jesus replies,
Jesus: Wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.
After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,
Man: Hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?
Jesus pauses for a second and replies,
Jesus: Ya know what, why not!
So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up,
Jesus: Okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!
The man looks at Jesus with a grin on his face and says, “Good shit, huh?”
I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.
Then I saw her face.
My girlfriend is really poor
She's always saying Please! Please leave me a loan!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar ninety nine, deer nuts are under a buck.
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.