Ugly Week continued . . .
Caution: risque content ahead.
An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her two kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell, no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would have sex with you twice!!”
Prince Charles is driving around his mother’s Scottish estate when he accidentally runs over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He gets out of his Range Rover and sits down on the grass, totally distraught.
He knows his mother will go ballistic.
Suddenly he notices a lamp, half-buried in the ground.
He digs it up, polishes it, and immediately a genie appears.
“You have freed me from a thousand of years of imprisonment”, says the genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”
“Well,” says the Prince, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?”, the Prince asks.
The genie carefully looks at the remains and shakes his head. “This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?”
The Prince thinks for a moment, then reaches into his pocket and takes out two photos.
“I was once married to this beautiful woman called Diana,” says Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. “But now I love this woman called Camilla”, and he shows the genie the second photo.
“Do you think you can make Camilla beautiful?”
The genie studies the two photographs and after a few moments says, “Let’s have another look at that dog”.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a shabbily dressed homeless man, leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the shabbily dressed American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
He said, "Pax vobiscum,
Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
(Pax vobiscum: Latin for 'Peace be with you')
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.
Thomas, Jane or the fat ugly one?
Cashier, scanning condoms:
Do you need a bag sir?
Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.