Part #2 of some humour about Catholics...
A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy because while they were morosely eating only fish, the Jewish man was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics worked on him to convert him.
Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took him to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and intoned, "Born a Jew... Raised a Jew... Now a Catholic."
The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every Friday evening!
But come the following Friday, the scent of barbecue wafted through the neighbourhood.
The Catholics all rushed to the Jewish man’s house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow... Raised a cow... Now a fish!"
Jesus intervenes as the crowd is about to stone a woman caught in the act of adultery. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," says Jesus, offering a stone as he says this.
Everyone falls silent. Then, one by one, they drop their stones and shuffle off, ashamed.
Then a stone is thrown from the crowd and hits the woman on the head.
Jesus looks around and spies the person who had thrown the stone.
He lets out a sigh and says, "I love you, Mom, but sometimes you really piss me off."
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd; no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest, I’m not even a Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .”
A priest was about to retire. When his replacement showed up he warned him that the Church’s buildings had a rat problem that they had tried for years to eradicate. Some time later the retired priest asked the new priest how the rat problem was. He answered “Oh, I fixed that long ago.” The retired priest asked “How?” The new priest said “I baptised them and never saw them again.”