Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says “Go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has – "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. “I have twenty!” Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. “Hit me,” Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!"
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” the man from the limousine said excitedly. “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied, “No, thank you… the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.”
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat Whisky."
He then turned to the fourth Mum, June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.”
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.”
Two young boys go into a chemists, pick up a box of Tampax and go to the counter. The woman says to the older boy "How old are you?" "Eight" he replies. The woman says "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replies “No, not exactly, but they're not for me, they're for him, he's my brother, he's four. We saw the ad on TV and it said with these you'll be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either!"
A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"