Friday, June 5, 2015

Funny Friday

and that means it's time for some Friday humour, today on the theme of police . . . 
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A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"

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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. 

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" 

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" 

"I'm sorry, I can't do that." 

The policeman says, "Why not?" 

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. 

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?" 

The officer responds, "Yes, could you open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. 

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. 

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." 

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." 

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

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Corn Corner:

Police Officer: "How high are you?" 
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?" 

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A man was filling his car petrol tank at a service station and filled the tank so full that petrol got onto his shirt sleeve. Unaware that there was petrol on his sleeve, he lit a cigarette and his sleeve caught fire, so he jumped into his car and waved his arm up and down in an effort to put out the flames. He looked into his rear view mirror and saw red and blue lights flashing and heard a police siren. The police officer booked him for having an illegal firearm.

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