Friday, June 19, 2015

Funny Friday

The subject of mistresses came up in discussions during the week, the fact that within certain ethnic groups it is tolerated that husbands have mistresses as long as it is kept discreet and the wife and kids are properly looked after.

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Q: What's the definition of a mistress?

A: An object in between Mr and mattress.

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 My mate and I were talking about my long term mistress earlier:

"I like her a lot more than my wife" I said.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah" I replied, "my wife can't stand her."

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A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.

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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.... that night. All three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....  

The engaged girlfriend said:' The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said,' You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.' 

The mistress stated:' Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' 

The married one then said:' The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,' Hey Batman, what's for dinner? '

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And one that is not a mistress joke . . .

A pastor was assigned to a new church. He wanted to find out how much the congregation knew, so he decided to ask a simple question. He asked the members what they knew about Easter. 

The first guy comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when everyone comes over and you have this big turkey?"

"Uh, no," the pastor says, "That's Thanksgiving."


Second guy says, "Isn't that the holiday where we get that big tree and..."

"Uh, no. That would be Christmas. Hence Christmas Tree."

"Oh. Sorry."

Finally a young woman comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when they put Jesus on a cross?"

"Yes," says the pastor, relieved. "Do you know anything else?"

"Yes, He died, right?"

"Yes. Anything else?"

"They took him down."

"Yes. Then what?"

"Then they put him in a cave, right?"

"Yes, then?"

"And they rolled a stone in front of it?"

"Yes. That's exactly right. Do you know anything else?"

"Yeah. He woke up and...oh, now I remember, he rolled the stone away, and then he got out, saw his shadow, and went back inside for 6 more weeks."

Corn Corner:

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible, and Darwin's Origin of Species.  In surprise, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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