Friday again, folks, time for a spot of fun.
As I did some weeks back, I am reversing the usual order of Funny Friday. The first part will be short corny items, the second part will be a couple of lengthier items that are not so corny. And perhaps a tad politically incorrect.
Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'"
A man walked into the doctor's. He said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
People born before 1946 are called – The Greatest Generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called – Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called –Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group –Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below…
There are Siamese twin sisters - joined at the hip. They get on very well together but occasionally have slight fallings out.
One night after work they were walking home and they noticed a poster advertising Tom Jones for one night only. Now, being somewhat of a fan, one of the sisters insists on going along and trying to buy some tickets off a scalper. The other sister (being more of a jazz fan) says; "Aww, do we have to?....I'm kind of tired and I'd really rather not."
To which the other one replies; "Please, sis, it'll only be for a little while, and it's fairly easy to listen to." After a little more back and forth she finally agrees.
They go to the concert and have a wonderful time in the front row. They decide to be the last to leave afterwards due to the whole Siamese twin routine.
Everyone's taking a long to time to leave so the Tom Jones fan suggests that they try and get backstage to sneak a glimpse of the great man. The other sister objects, but is fairly easily convinced, because they don't often get to go out.
Whilst backstage they see a large group of people milling around. Pushing themselves to the front of the pack they find Mr. Jones himself signing autographs.
After they get their autograph, Tom invites the first two rows of people to come into his dressing room for some drinks, the sisters included.
They find themselves sitting with Tom, drinking champagne, talking about life and having a wonderful time.
After a while the sister who's the fan says to Mr. Jones:
"Forgive me for being so outright, and it may just be the bubbly talking, but I think we might have a vibe going..."
Tom replies; "Hmmmm, I think you may be right."
Encouraged, the girl says "Forgive me for being outright again, but I think you'd like to sleep with me, I know I'd very much like to sleep with you."
He considers it for a while, "But...you know....what would....how would we...?"
"Remember, Mr Jones, we've been twins for life, we have coping mechanisms for this kind of situation."
"Ok, what would your sister do while we were in the throes of passion?"
"She's very into music, so to tune herself out, she'll play the trombone while we're making love.”
After a little consideration, he notices that she's actually quite attractive and he agrees.
Sure enough, while they make passionate love, the other sister plays jazz, Dixie and blues on the trombone.
At the end of an hour and a half, as the other sister packs away her trombone, Tom and the sister who’s a fan kiss each other a starry-eyed goodbye. It’s been a wonderful experience.
Two years later, up go the posters, Tom Jones. One Night Only in Chicago.
"Oooo, please can we go again, maybe we'll get backstage again, and maybe something more will happen with Tom” says the sister who’s a fan.
"Oh, come on,” says the other sister. “What makes you think he’ll remember us?”