Good morning, readers.
No theme today, just some items to bring a smile to your Friday.
A proud mother prepared her little boy for his first day at school. “Now, if you want to have a wee-wee, hold up your hand in the class and the teacher will ask you what you want. Tell her you want to go to the toilet and she’ll give you permission to leave the room.”
During his first class, the little boy felt the urge and put his hand up. The teacher asked what he wanted. “I have to go to the toilet,” he said.
“Okay, it’s the door on the right at the end of the corridor.”
A moment later he was back at the classroom door looking agitated. “I can’t find it,” he said.
The teacher said, very slowly and carefully, “Go out, turn left, go to the end of the corridor, and through the door on the right.”
No sooner had he disappeared than he was back again, chocking back tears.
“I still can’t find it.”
The teacher hailed an older boy walking along the corridor and asked him to show the little lad where the toilet was. They disappeared. When they came back the teacher asked if everything was all right. He said, “Yes teacher. He had his pants on back to front.”
The stewards at an outback racetrack had long suspected a certain owner of doping his horse before a race. One meeting, just before the main race, the chief steward noticed this owner sneaking into the stable. He watched as he slipped something into the horse’s mouth, then grabbed his arm, shouting 'Got you at last. You'll be rubbed out for life over this, you rotten so and so."
The owner, never at a loss for words, smiled and said "Why, no mate, these are only homemade sweets the wife makes. Settles him down before a big race, you see. Here - try one, they're real good." He slipped one into his own mouth in proof, and the steward, his sails deflated, had no option but to do the same.
The owner led the horse to the saddling paddock. "Get in front from the start and stay there," he told the jockey.
"Why so?" asked the jockey. "Is anything likely to pass me?"
The owner grimly replied "Only me and the chief steward."
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure. He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better. And, as always ... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours Edna.
A hellfire preacher wanted to impress his congregation. He arranged for a boy to get above the pulp[it in the loft and let a lit piece of paper flutter down when the preacher reached the great climax of his sermon. “When I shout ‘Send fire from Heaven’, light the paper and let it flutter down.”
The great day came and the thunderous sermon was given. Je shouted “Send fire from Heaven.” Nothing happened. He shouted again, “Send fire from Heaven.” Nothing happened. He shouted again.
The voice of the boy could be heard, “I can’t. The cat’s pissed on the matches.”
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
What was your answer?
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!