Another Friday, time to bring some humour into your day, or night depending on where you live and therefore on what time you receive these posts.
Today, a collection of various items with an emphasis on tattoos.
(Caution: risque items ahead.)
A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free
Tit for tat.
An oldie but a goodie:
A woman walks in to a tattoo parlour and tells the artist she would like two tattoos, one of Matt Damon on her left upper thigh and one of George Clooney on her right thigh. After hours of work the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in between the woman’s legs for her to view.
The woman says,'' I don’t know if these really look like Matt Damon and George Clooney and I’m not paying for this if it isn't right!''
The artist says “How about if I get a total stranger off the street. If he says that the tatts look like Matt Damon and George Clooney, you pay me.”
She agreed. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like.
The man said "I don't know who the one on the left is, or the one on the right, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson!"
(An alternative version has the woman in London getting tattoos of Prince Willian and Prince Harry. The man asked to identify them says he doesn’t know who they are but the one in the middle is definitely Boris Johnson).
It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today...
I wish him great happenis.
A lady went into a drugstore asking if they had Viagra. The pharmacist said yes, and she asked, “Have you ever tried it?” He said he had. She then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?” He looked down and said, “I think I could … if I took two.”
From the vault:
Another oldie gut goodie . . .
A guy gets the name of his girlfriend, Wendy, tattooed on his willy.
Whilst using a urinal, a large black guy starts using the urinal next to him. The first guy looks down and sees “Wy” tattooed on the black guy’s willy.
He says “Is your lady named Wendy too?”
The black guy says, “No, mon, when I get aroused it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.’ ”
Limerick of the week:
There was a young maid from Peru,
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
And the utmost duress,
Such as “I’m ready, how about you?”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
So I’m about to go to prom with the girl of my dreams.
On the day before the dance I went to the flower store to buy her flowers. The line getting into the store was sooooo long, but I waited to get flowers anyway.
Later that day I went to the limo rental store to rent a limousine for the dance. The line getting into the store was soooooo long, but I waited to rent the limo anyway.
Once we arrived at the dance, the line getting into the school was sooooooo long, but since we were already there we decided to wait it out.
Once inside I asked if she wanted a drink. She said yes, so I started my way towards the punch.
And to my surprise, there wasn’t a punchline.
Never let a disability get in the way of your dreams.
Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn’t be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?