Thursday, July 18, 2019

Funny Friday


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Friend Graham E has drawn my attention to the significance of 1969 for 50 year anniversaries as suitable subjects for Bytes posts.  Some of those subjects have passed, others remain to be celebrated and aI will post some bytes about all of them in the coming week.  Thanks Graham. 1969 was indeed a happening year:
HMAS Melbourne collision: 3 June 1069
Stonewall Riot: 25 June 1969
Moon landing: 19 July 1969
Chappaquiddick Affair: 25 July 1969
Manson Killings: 9 August 1969
Woodstock:  15-18 August 1969
Beatles’ Abbey Road:  26 September 1969
Monty Python debuts: 5 October 1969
Sesame Street debut: 3 November 1969
Altamont Speedway Concert: 6 December 1969

Today has some related humour, plus a few lengthy items and some that readers may find not at all funny.  Let me know what you think . . .

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Little fella walking into the pub and standing outside is a nun. ‘Before you enter this den of iniquity, think of the damage alcohol will do to you,’ says the nun. ‘What are you talking about,’ says the little fella. ‘Have you ever had a drink?’ ‘No,’ she says. ‘Well how about I get you a drink and then at least you’ll know what you’re talking about. What’ll you have?’ ‘I don’t know,’ she replies, ‘what do ladies usually drink?’ ‘Gin.’ ‘Well, I’ll have gin, but put it in a cup so no-one will notice.’

Little fella walks up to the bar and says, ‘I’ll have a pint of bitter and a double gin in a cup.’

Barman says, ‘Is that bloody nun out there again?’

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It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."

Comments:

Apparently half of the readers will find this incredibly funny and half can’t see anything funny in it.  The humour is that there is no humour, one can almost describe it as anti-humour.  There are numerous discussions on the internet about whether the orange head joke is funny or not, read a sample discussion at:

That site gives another similar example:

A man walks into a control room. There is a big red button labelled "Nuclear Launch Button." He walks up and presses it.

A display screen next to the button reads "Input password." There is a number panel below the screen. He searches around the room, and finds a locked desk. He jimmies it open, and rummages around through it. Inside there is sheet of paper which says "Nuclear launch password: 7831662"

He returns to the number panel, and punches in 7831662. The display screen says "Code confirmed. Press again to launch." He presses the button again. "Launching nuclear arsenal."

He stares at the screen in shock. "Aw shit.... I fucked up."

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Gallery:









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From the vault:

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man looks good in the black suit he's already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she would like him buried in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

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Limerick of the Week:

A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

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Corn Corner:

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for your birthday'. The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son. And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.

On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.

Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got the boy his balls.

When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said, "It's a secret, Dad!"

And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want 10,000 green golf balls." And the father could not hold back his question any longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son looked at thim, and he said, "Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.

The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought. And thought. And, finally, he said, "Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..." And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say, "It's a secret." And the father kept silent.

Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured. And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered, "Father... Please get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said, "Son, please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."

And then he died.



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