Back in 1911 an actor and poet by the name of J Milton Hayes wrote a rollicking yarn Rudyard Kipling style about the British Raj on the Indian subcontinent. The poem is called The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God and I have posted an item about it previously.
Those wishing to read the poem can click on the following link to that earlier Bytes item at:
Those wishing to hear the spoken version, can do so by clicking on these links:
One Jeremy Nicholas has written a parody of the above poem. I was reminded of it when I travelled to Canberra within the last few days and had to use the “long drop” toilets at the rest stops that dot the highway on both sides. They are revolting, smelly and near-vomit inducing.
I make no apologies for either the content or language of the parody and can only suggest that in writing his parody, Mr Nicholas must obviously not have ever used a rest stop on the way to, or from, Canberra.
By the way:
The highway is called The Remembrance Driveway and the rest stops are named after VC winners. Here are some pics . . .
The second rest stop after turning onto the Federal Highway is clean and quite acceptable. It is named after Kevin “Dasher” Wheatley VC.
Here is Jeremy Nicholas’s parody . . .
THE BRONZE EYE ON THE MIDDLE EASTERN BOG
There’s a filthy water closet in the Cairo Opera House
And another one that’s backstage here as well;
There’s a nasty blocked urinal it’s impossible to flush
And a pungent, rather disconcerting smell.
I have sat on plastic loo seats that have cracks right down the middle
And I’ve used the seatless loos of Istanbul;
I have seen the seats that fall down when you’re half-way through a piddle
And the cisterns with no rope or chain to pull.
I have sat on bowls of porcelain I can’t describe in words
With my legs held straight in front to shut the door;
I’ve been confronted by the spectacle of other peoples’ turds
And their mis-directed pee upon the floor.
The condition of some lavatories is quite beyond belief –
I wouldn’t stoop to grace them with a fart.
Enamel bowls I’ve come across when I have sought relief
Have been left resembling modern abstract art.
I’ve seen some bogs in Alexandria in such a state, they say
The cockroaches agreed they won’t go near;
And in Athens there’s a loo attendant who you have to pay
For the privilege of having diarrhoea.
There are toilets I have sat upon that came out of the Ark
Where you can’t breathe for the smell of shit and piss;
I have used them with the light on (though more often in the dark)
But I’ve never, EVER seen a place like this.