If laughter is the best medicine, then here is your weekly dose . . .
Stay safe readers.
Caution: risque content ahead.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning. Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
A lady sneezes on a plane
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”
Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago. He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.
"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."
So Morris goes down there, and to his amazement, Gelbstein's Shoe Repair is still there, and through the window he actually sees old Mr. Gelbstein behind the counter. He was sure that the shoes would be long gone, but it wouldn't hurt to ask, so he walked into the shop and greeted the old man, and showed him the 40-year-old ticket. "You wouldn't by any chance still have these shoes, would you?"
Gelbstein took the ticket, said "Let me check," and toddled off into the back. Then he called out, "Here they are!"
"Man, this guy is amazing," thought Morris.
Gelbstein comes back out and gets behind the counter. He hands back the ticket to Morris, and tells him, "They'll be ready on Tuesday."
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
FROM THE VAULT:
An old lady wakes up one morning to find that there's a gorilla in the tree in her back garden. She looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." She calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives with his truck which contains a ladder, a pitchfork, a shotgun, a set of manacles, a winch, a suspended metal cage and a large snarling dog with big teeth, wearing a muzzle.
He sets up his equipment in the back yard, removes the muzzle from the dog and says to the old lady "I'm going to climb the tree using this ladder, then I work my way along the branch and give the gorilla a poke with the pitchfork. This will force the gorilla to jump down, whereupon this specially trained dog runs up and grabs him by the testicles, holding him immobile until I get down. I then put the manacles on him, drop the cage over him and take him to the zoo. They give me a donation and it doesn’t cost you anything.”
“That would be lovely,” she says.
“All you have to do is hold the shotgun,” he says.
“What do I do with the shotgun?” she asks.
“Lady,” he responds, “If I fall off the ladder, shoot the fucking dog!”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A crossword compiler named Moss
Found himself quite at a loss.
When asked “Why so blue?”
Said “I haven’t a clue,
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.”
What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?
A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that.
What's the difference between a burro and a burrow?
If you don't know, you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground.
I went to the dentist to put all caps on my teeth...
...now I can't help but shout every time I talk.
A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.”
The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”
Does every Tickle-Me-Elmo have to have test-tickles before they leave the factory?
No, Not every one, only the males
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.