We're now in October in the lead up to Christmas. More importantly, it's also the lead up the US elections. What a nasty business politics is.
Here in Oz we have a long weekend for Labour Day so there's some lightness as well.
Hopefully the following items will also bring some lightness into your day,
Stay safe, readers.
Oh, there is risque humour ahead.
I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...
...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
Interview I had for a job:
“What would you consider your greatest weakness?" the interviewer asked.
"My honesty" I replied.
She laughed: "I don't think honesty could be seen as a weakness!"
"I don't give a fuck what you think. lady!"
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb arsehole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
Bought my wife a clock for our anniversary.
Because, there's no present like the time.
One hundred years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.
Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
FROM THE VAULT:
A man from the city bought himself a farm.
On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.
He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.
Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged staright at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.
A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”
”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”
“Nahh, that wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
This reminds me of:
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought all babies came from God,
But ’twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch. One day...
They notice a small tree has sprouted up inbetween them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!"
The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!" So, they start arguing back and forth "son of a beech" and "son of a birch".
Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting. He asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.
The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the small tree that sprouted between them is a son of a beech or if it's a son of a birch.
The woodpecker decides he will settle their argument, once and for all. He tells the tree he will be right back, then flies down to the small tree to check it out. Meanwhile, the beech and birch continue to argue.
After a while, the wood pecker returns to the two tree and says, "Guys, I've got some news for you; it's not a son of a beech..." The beech tree sighs in relief.
The woodpecker interjects "...And it's not a son of birch, either!" To which the birch replied, "Thank goodness! What is it, then?"
The woodpecker blushes and answers, "Well, it's the finest piece of ash that I've ever stuck my pecker into."
What's the difference between a fancy dinner party and cannibalism?
Swapping an "I" for and "O".
(I didn’t get this either in that I was swapping the letter “I” for “o” in the word cannibalism. I then read an explanation that the substitution is in the word “dinner”. The result is that it becomes Donner Party, he Donner Party, a group of American pioneers who migrated to California in a wagon train. Delayed by a series of mishaps, they spent the winter of 1846–1847 snowbound in the Sierra Nevada mountain range. Some of the migrants resorted to cannibalism to survive, eating the bodies of those who had succumbed to starvation and sickness.)
What do you call an eagle that’s not feeling well?