Consider that my hand is raised and hopefully, so are yours, dear readers, because it's time for . . . Funny Friday.
Stay safe, stay well.
My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
It's funny how the colours red, white and blue represent freedom.
Until they're flashing behind your car
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus was the lamb of God....
.....does that mean, Mary had a little lamb?
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!" "No," she cries, "It's too far!" "I play football. I can catch him!"
The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!
The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
FROM THE VAULT:
A young couple get married and have their first night in the bridal suite after the reception.
As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your knickers!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until you change your attitude."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young maid from Peru,
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
And the utmost duress,
Such as “I'm ready, how about you?”
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
I'm developing a new cologne for introverts
***Leave me the Fuh Cologne***
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.