Jack Handey once said that “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
Hopefully the following laughs will be medicinal without being fatal.
Also, some risqué content ahead.
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked!
She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she
didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A man sitting nearby looked at her and said, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory Dickory dock..."
A Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, Protestant or Catholic?"
Man: "I'm Jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish Catholic or Jewish Protestant?"
I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"
She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.
Sent to me by Vince C, thanks Vince . . .
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all became clear.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
FROM THE VAULT:
A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"
He then hollers at the other guy
" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"
Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.
The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?
"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
By the great Isaac Asimov (why hasn’t his Foundation series of books been turned into films yet????) . . .
There was an old lady of Brewster
Who would mutter, whenever I gewster,
“You’re losing the knack,
Or you’re missing the crack,
‘Cause it don’t feel as good as it yewster.”
Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
I just found out I'm colourblind..
The news came out of the purple.