I heard someone talking about aliens a few days ago and it occurred to me that that might a good Funny Friday theme. The result is that all of the humour today relates to aliens.
Apologies that a lot of it has been posted before in Bytes but the jokes are, imho, worthy of another run.
Caution: risqué content ahead.
Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The pump, of course, did not respond.
The younger alien was annoyed. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”
But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.”
“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 500 metres away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied:
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
An astronomer stared into Space
To see who else lived in the place.
So far Science has found
That no others abound
Except for our pitiful race.
Our planet has life, you can see,
Intelligent life, some agree.
But surely in Space
In some faraway place
There must be life smarter than we.
Too good not to post, even though it’s not about aliens . . .
Aliens from Mars come down to Earth and they're friendly!
The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, it’s the Pope’s turn to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the Pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The Pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" the Pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the Pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The Pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly aliens were greeted by the Pope.
Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Universe visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our Saviour and king in Heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and who we currently await for his return to us.
Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever He visits us He cures our sick, turns some water into wine, shows us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve Him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?
I was abducted by aliens.
They made me wash my hands, clean my room and eat vegetables. Turns out i was in the mothership.
For those not aware, a Star Wars joke . . .
A man walks into a doughnut shop on Dagobah and he sees a little green alien behind the counter.
He asks for a hot doughnut.
The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's doughnuts, I can sell you. Also, doughnut ingredients, we still have."
But the man is really craving a warm doughnut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made doughnut?"
"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or doughnut - there is no fry."