The past week (more to come) has been Reader Contributions Week so I have included a reader item in the content below.
Thank you readers who have contributed and thank you Byters, readers and those who read and comment.
From John P (my recollection is that I have posted this previously but a good item is always worth retelling and rereading).
Thank you, John.
A Good Explanation Of Politics
A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"
The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked: Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"
He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologise, Sir, you are cleared to go"
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"
He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."
Politics is when you can tell the same stuff in different ways to fool a different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.
I need to re-home a small dog.
It's a very small terrier that tends to bark a lot.
If you are interested, let me know and I will jump over my neighbour’s garden fence and get the fucker for you...........
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Dick van Dyke
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Please define "how many," "lawyer," "take," "to change," "light," and "bulb."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
That spring would come
So he could bum
Around and go out to fich.
My boss calls me "the computer".
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
What do you call a group of deaf people?
I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.
Who are the fastest readers?
Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second