FUNNY FRIDAY

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What with the Federal election tomorrow, what better theme than politics, politicians and elections.

Do we agree with Shakespeare? -

Get thee glass eyes,

And like a scurvy politician seem

To see the things thou dost not.

(Lear, Act 4 Scene 5)

Prediction: Albo back in with an increased najority.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

I wanted to teach my kids about democracy...

So I let them vote on the what to have for dinner, then vote on which movie to watch. Then I chose the food and the movie because I'm the one with the money.

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Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

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A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm crapping out 'cause of my new diet!"

His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your crap?"

And the redneck says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

____________

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

And this is how politics works.

__________

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.

First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.

And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

___________

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, climate change, and AI machine language.

The guy leaves, but he is curious.

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, hunting rifles, and monster trucks.

The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"

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Sometimes hearing or reading an alternative version of a joke is like seeing a remake of a classic film. You think about whether it is better than the original, whether it is as good as or just different, whether it raises a laugh. . .

The following item has been posted and reposted by me previously but it is not only topical but very funny, even if you are familiar with it.

The item has a Jewish mother setting. The other version I came across has an Alabama context.

Enjoy them both.

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Version #1:

(This bit is true: I was making a Will for a client some years ago and I congratulated her on her son having been appointed a judge. “Yes,” she replied, “and his brother is a pilot.”)

Harry Goldberg is elected the first Jewish President of the United States.

He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.

Harry: “Momma, guess what! I've just been elected President, will you come to my inauguration?”

Mother: “Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.”

Harry: “Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please... “

Mother: “Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.”

Harry: “Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.”

Mother: “Harry! I have nothing to wear!”

Harry: “I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!”

Mother: “Okay, okay, I will come.”

Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State.

Harry is called up to become the next President.

Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy up there with his hand on the Tanakh? His brother is a doctor!"

________________

Version #2:

The United States has elected the first woman, from Alabama, as President.

As her inauguration draws near, the President-Elect calls her father . . .

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh, Daddy', replies the President-Elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'You know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees. At her inauguration, the first woman, from Alabama. is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sit the new President's Dad and Mom.

Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?'

The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.’

__________

The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and asked, "How come Jews are always so well informed?"

Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"

The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"

Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).

The President: "What? Is it that simple?"

Advisor: "I think so sir."

President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."

The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"

The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A man hired by John Smith and Co.

Loudly declared that he’d tho.

Men that he saw

Dumping dirt near his door

The drivers, therefore, didn’t do.

by Mark Twain

(If you're still scratching your head, read Co as Company).

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GALLERY:

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LAW & LAWYERS

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room. "One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes."

So the three hurry to the man's room. He's in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes over his face. The lawyer steps forward and asks, "Out of all the people you could have chosen as a last request, why pick us?"

"Because," the man says, " I want to die the way Jesus did. Between a liar and a thief".

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CORN CORNER:

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Voting is a lot like driving

To go backwards, choose “R”.

To go forward, choose “D”.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

The meaning of "politics" . . .

The word "politics" derives from the Greek "poly-", meaning "many", and "ticks", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

What is the difference between Politicians and Flying Pigs ?

The letter f

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